I had been working on tearing down the walls of my best and most effective defense mechanism, which was excellent when I was in grades 5 through 12, but had the unfortunate effect of shutting out a lot of emotions and spontaneity when I became an adult. But I made one major error. I didn't have anything ready to take its place. Like I told my therapist, I was like a hit and run victim for any emotion that came along. They were out of control, and I had some panic attacks that proved it.
So I pulled back into my cave to try and sort things out. It was not a good existence, but was necessary if I didn't want my life to become one long panic attack.
The good part of trying that panic-filled experiment was that it loosened up my inhibitions a bit. When I hear catchy music, I just start dancing and don't care who sees me. I'm sure I look comical, reclining in bed with my arms waving, shoulders twitching and moving my torso around as best I can. If someone sees me, then fine. They can dance, too. The last time was when I was listening to Slacker Radio and they played "Staying Alive" by the BeeGees. I just couldn't help myself.
So I'm having more fun now.
Then I was blessed with a visit from my best friend and, awhile later, from my daughter, Josi, who lives too far away from me to visit often. That visit was wonderful. It really lifted my spirits.
Oh, by the way, I may be mentioning Dialectical Behavior Therapy a lot. I read an overview of it and, from what I could tell, it looks a lot like what I'd come up with to make my life easier. I was attracted to it because it is structured, so much better than what I have been doing, which was bouncing around different ideas like an out of control super-bouncy-ball which had been thrown into a tiny empty closet. That was exhausting, because I was the ball.
From now on, my mottos will be, "que será será," "c'est la vie" and "shit happens."
So root for me. Right now I'm still riding the high from my daughter's visit, but that won't last forever, and dark days are sure to roll in like unexpected thunderstorms. Me, myself and I will be working to learn how not to get struck by emotional lightning when they arrive.
Love and serenity to you all. ❤️
