Running Up the Down Escalator

Saw my wound care doc today. He's not nearly as pessimistic as my primary doc about getting the orthopedic surgery. Still, I must be careful not to get my hopes up too far.  Anyway, my wounds are healing up nicely so I should be ok to get up in my baby stroller pretty soon. Oh joy. If I don't get to sit outside, it's hardly worth it. That kind of thing seems to be detrimental to my mental health. When I crash, I crash hard. Better not to get my hopes up too high. That way, I don't have as far to fall if things go wrong. I wouldn't say I'm pessimistic. I'm just being cautious.

I don't know how I feel. Surprisingly, I haven't retreated very far into my safe place, Numb Land, but I'm not feeling much of anything. I find it torturous to constantly feel like crying, as if my tears are all lined up, jostling for position to break the dam. Maybe I am somewhat of a control freak, after all -- not to control others, but to control myself. I do not want to succumb to uncontrollable crying.

So I'm engaged in a constant battle inside myself about being a helpless paraplegic.

I'm always dreaming about cats. These dreams comfort me. I enjoy them. It's almost like having a cat of my own to comfort me. But that's neither here nor there.

Still stumped, but not struggling so hard. Just leaning back and learning what I can and practising opening up my heart and soul hoping something will come along that will show me the way to spiritual growth.

I wish your hearts to find peace, and the path to spiritual enlightment. I've caught a glimpse of it. It's wonderful. Much love to you and yours.