Smarter Than a Roomba

I let my brain take some time out. Instead of letting it go faster and faster until it can't stand up straight and starts wandering in a frenzy, bouncing off thoughts like a super-ball that my cats used to chase randomly around, I made it stop. Instead, I listened to guided meditation, or concentrated on hours of relaxing music, which usually made me drift off to sleep. So I also slept a lot. Sometimes, I would let my mind wander to happy memories, but not if I started feeling sad. I forced my thoughts toward other things if that happened.

This was a struggle, not letting myself struggle, and I'm not finished yet. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be finished. I want to be calm-minded and at peace, because when I manage to allow that, amazing things happen.

For example, there is a CNA working here who is a shining light. He's almost 19 and has a long journey yet to make through his life. But he is clearly a healer. He's worked here awhile, and is now only working 3 days a week so he can attend college. So I don't see him that much. I was relaxing this afternoon, keeping my mind as clear as possible, when I saw him walk into the bathroom to help someone. There was nothing remarkable about it. He didn't even glance my way.

But I heard a voice in my head shout, "I KNOW him!" It wasn't as if I don't know him. That's silly. He's been helping take care of me for months. It was more like I've known him for decades, or millenia, long since before he was born. Heck, even since before I was born! Sounds kind of crazy, but I haven't lost my wits -- yet. I told my nurse and she looked skeptical, so I told her, "it's not as if I called him by a different name and claimed he was my husband in a former life. I just recognized him." She was still skeptical. I guess she's heard stranger things from people who really have lost their wits.

I took a chance and told this CNA about it. He was either a great actor or was receptive to the idea. I told him that some believe we have soul groups, or tribes, and that members of our tribes will sometimes show up in each others' incarnations to help, or learn from each other or to teach one another. I think he might be a member of my tribe. We talked a little about what god might be but I also told him that we're not going to know for certain until we leave this life. I didn't tell him, though, that I can picture the long path of his life or that it gleams like gold. Like I said, he's a healer and his light will shine strongly. It already does and he's just beginning.

Stuff like this only happens to me after I've cleared my mind and heart. When I look back on it, after I'm back to "normal" I'm amazed by it.

My point really is that I have not been smarter than a Roomba. Watch one. Or watch a video of a Roomba wandering around a room with a cat sitting calmly on top of it, enjoying the ride. The Roomba never bumps repeatedly into something, time after time after time. If it did, the cat would be disturbed and would find another place to sit. Instead, the Roomba twirls around and goes a different direction.

I haven't been as smart as the Roomba OR the cat. I've pounded my head against various brick walls over and over and over until I get mad at myself because I don't make any progress. Then I get depressed/overwhelmed/exhausted or all three at once. Then FINALLY I give myself a break and allow myself to seek peace and calmness.

Now I get it. This is what I should do first, not as a last resort. I roll my eyes and shake my head at the denseness of my human self. I also embrace the lovability of my stubborn self. We are one, she and I, but we see things so much differently at times.

Peace, calm, love and acceptance to all of you. Also, I wish you the ability to find humor in your faults.