What's the Use?

It's hard to explain exactly what happened because I couldn't get a good explanation out of anyone. Seems I'm no longer considered a "skilled" patient by Medicare because they have a 100 day limit on that. But I didn't know that. I found out today. Then I found out that the nursing home had withdrawn their payment from my account yesterday. But I hadn't known that was going to happen, either. So I suddenly found that my account was more than $200 short. And no way to bring it up to a positive amount again. Without imposing horribly on someone else in order to make up the difference. I hate that, because I can't pay him back.

I know I seem strong, but that's an illusion. I'm really very fragile, emotionally. I've fought and struggled up every rung of progress I've made in the past few years. But now I feel as if I have slid down nearly every rung. Not quite to the bottom. Not quite. 

I feel like such an idiot, a parasite, a useless burdensome lump. That's because I am all of those things. There is no purpose to my life. That's a reality I try to ignore and go through the motions of trying to change, but it's there, a monolith of uselessness that is always there, stopping me dead whenever I think I'm making a little progress.

I can't wish this away. I can pretend that I'm learning things that are making me more spiritual, but when it comes down to it, I'm really just an insignificant worm grubbing in the dirt at the bottom of my hole where I always end up again. 

I'm awfully weary of this kind of (non)existence. Don't worry. Suicide is still off the table, but I can always hope that an anvil will fall on my head.

This is my most gloomy, least hopeful, most defeated entry in a good, long while. I loathe my life. It just gets worse, never better. Oh, yeah, it sometimes seems like things are getting better, but it's just a teasing joke, as I inevitably realize. And I apologize. You must be weary of reading about my never-ending struggles and defeats. So I'm going to stop for now. My blog must be dragging you down. I wonder at the wisdom of continuing.

I really do love you guys and wish you well. We all have our struggles, I know, and mine are no worse or more important than any of yours. Fare well, friends. You deserve only the best.

Lyra and me, the last time I saw her. She died two days later. Sweet angel.

Bits of Me Are Falling Off

I do not have fingernails. I have claws. My nails get ridiculously long because only a nurse is allowed to cut them due to me being diabetic, as if the nurses here have time to be beauticians, too. Right now the nail on my right little finger is longer than the distance from the top of that finger to the first knuckle. There's only one problem. When my nails get this long they tend to break off -- the entire nail, down to the quick.

This happened yesterday to the thumbnail on my left hand. The entire nail was hanging loose, except at the cuticle on the side, about 1/16 of an inch's worth. Nothing was within reach that I could use to snip it off. I tried to gently and carefully detach it. No success. So I got a good grip on the chunk of thumbnail and yanked hard. That did the trick. It hurt like hell, but not as badly as it did when I applied alcohol to the bloody opening I had just created.

So it hurts, still, like the unholy dickens. Reminds me of when my mom used to put mercurochrome on my scrapes and cuts. Talk about sting! I'm so glad nobody in this country uses that stuff anymore. I think it has been discontinued in larger countries because it contains mercury. 

I'm not sure if that's the problem. When I was a kid I played with mercury. It's fascinating stuff, all silvery and thickish, and it rolls around in your hand like something from outer space. Had a lot of fun with it. But I was never curious to see how it tasted. That probably saved me. What can I say? It was a time of innocence -- and unbelievable ignorance. I was actually taught in 4th grade that gravity was caused by the spinning of the earth. If I had known anything about the effects of centrifugal force, that probably would have sounded ludicrous to me. But I was just a dumb 9 year old. What did I know?

Feeling kind of reckless lately. I've been dancing in my bed. I have to brag a little. For a paraplegic, I can really rock this bed. I downloaded "Boom Boom Pow" by The Blackeyed Peas and just couldn't resist. I get tired pretty quickly, but what should I expect after lying in bed for four years? Dancing is really a mood-raiser for me. I've always loved to dance, from when I took ballet for a little while when I was 7. Being paraplegic won't stop me. You can bet on that.

Unfortunately, I rarely get any privacy during the day and I'm awfully tired late at night. But I'll work it out somehow.

Dance dance dance until you can't dance anymore. It's good for your heart and your soul. Celebrate life, no matter what struggles you have. Dancing makes your path smoother and brighter. I know this to be true. Trust me.

Much peace and love to you all.

Kickin' Back

No deep thoughts to share. Norhing much happening. Not worrying about stuff. Also not eating breakfast or lunch. I generally sleep through them. Still, my fasting blood sugar is over 200 and jumps to high 300s hours after I do eat.  Now and then it spikes up into the extremely high 400s and low 500s. I keep telling them something's wrong with my body. Maybe, if I ever get to see one, an endocrinologist can figure it out.

I don't feel any worse at 500 than I do at 100, so I'm not awfully concerned, but I really don't want to have a debilitating stroke and end up worse off than I am now. So I do have a vested interest in getting my blood sugar under control. I have no idea how to accomplish that, so I'm hoping they'll set up the appointment with the endocronologist soon.

Other than that concern, I've spent a lot of time watching mysteries on Netflix and a bunch of documentaries on Youtube and catching up with my favorite tv shows on Hulu+. It's very relaxing. Just what I needed. :-)

So, no pity party today, folks. Just gliding along and not fretting about things I have no control over, which is almost everything. Cynicism is my companion during this break. It helps me keep from giving into mental hysteria.

Besides, my very best friend in the world is coming to visit me this month. I'm really looking forward to that because we haven't seen each other in two years. Also, she is a phenomenal cook and she's already cooking up treats like pork stew and caponata, which is an Italian vegetable dish that is best when it's cold. And it's practically my most favorite dish.

Also, my firstborn is coming for a visit toward the end of May. I've missed her, and my son, dreadfully. I really wish they didn't live so far from me, but I understand they are adults with lives of their own. Besides, there's really nothing in Oklahoma for them except me. I brought them up to be independent and guess I did a good job of it.

For a change, I feel sleepy at a reasonable time of night. Yesterday, well really today, I didn't fall asleep until 6 am. So it's time now to crash.

May you all live your lives in peace and contentment. Don't worry. Be happy. And shine with all your might. :-) ❤

Living in a Labyrinth

Lots of dead ends down here where I live. I enjoy doing labyrinths on paper, because I start at the end and work my way to the beginning. It's amazing how much easier that is. OK, it's cheating, but I enjoy cheating at games. Most of the fun of playing games, for me, is figuring out how to beat the system. That's much more challenging than just playing it straight.

Too bad I can't do that in real life. I suppose I could have run cons on people. I'm smart and I'm a very convincing liar, the few times I have actually manipulated a situation by being untruthful. Usually, I just did it when I wanted to leave work. I was so good at that, I wouldn't even have to lie. My supervisor would take one look at me and insist I go home and take a sick day. As a rule, though, I rarely did it for any other reason, and certainly not to my friends and family. I'm much too empathetic. My concience would have tortured me .Maybe I should have chosen a career as an actress. Oh, well. Too late now.

I seem to be in a dormant stage, as far as making progress goes. My mind has pretty much gone on vacation in a far away place. Guess it needs to kick back and rest awhile. Makes sense. I've hit so many dead-ends in the labyrinth I've been trying to maneuver for the last four years, I've run out of steam. I need to take a break. Obviously I can't take a break from being a paraplegic, though I've accepted the reality of my handicap. But I don't accept that being helpless and dependent has to continue to be my reality. There's still a chance that things can improve and I will not acquiece to accepting that as my reality until there simply is no hope of improvement.

But, while I wait to get evaluated by an orthopedic surgeon to see if one will accept the challenge and risk of performing the surgery I need, I guess I'll take a break from all the anxiety and fear that I'll be stuck this way forever. If they turn me down, then I guess I'll have to cross that bridge, even though I don't really want to.

I'm sleepy. Not enough sleep again. I've lost count of all the typos I've corrected and doubt seriously if I caught them all, so try to ignore those.

Sweet, restful sleep, peeps. May all your days be filled with happiness and contentment.

Running as Fast as I Can -- Not Very Fast at All

I can't outrun my troubles. They're part of me. But I'm struggling to make sense of all this. It feels like I've been abandoned in a totally foreign country with no way to leave, but where I don't know anybody and don't speak or understand the language. The authorities have taken control so I don't know where this is headed. 

But I refuse to give up on regaining some independence. I know things will never be the same as they used to be, but I will fight to get the ability to use a wheelchair that I can control, and to work as hard as I can in physical therapy, as soon as I qualify for it, to strengthen myself physically. So I will continue to push to get the orthopedic surgery which is necessary for these other things to happen. As long as there's a chance my life and independence can improve I will not give up. I can't. That streak of stubborness that runs through me won't allow me to.

I don't dwell on the things I've lost, except Lyra. Those other things were just stuff. I can barely remember what they were anymore. It's not the first time I've lost nearly everything I've owned. That time I came to the conclusion that I hadn't lost anything that I couldn't forget, do without, or replace. It was just a bunch of stuff, when all was said and done.

But the truth is, I very much dislike, even hate, my physical situation. I hope with all my heart that it can be improved upon. If it turns out that there's no hope of improvement, then I'll have to find some way of coping with that. I'm not there, yet, but have been deeply considering that possibility.

I don't have any answers at the moment because the questions have not truly announced themselves yet. They're just whispers on the wind.

I do have a good idea of what I need to do, spiritually. I'm exploring ways to get there. When something speaks to me, I explore that pathway. Sometimes it's extremely helpful. Sometimes I'm either not ready for it or it smacks of charlatism and I search out another path.

But I never, ever stand still -- only if I drift or plummet into deep depression and hopelessness. That stops me dead, so I do everything I'm able to avoid that, even if that takes closing myself in for awhile.

I'm feeling a little defensive. I am doing the best I can, climbing until my hands are bloody and fighting my own demons all the while. It's often slow going. I have to take this at my own pace. As long as I'm not going backwards, I'm happy about where I am at this moment. The darkness around me is gradually growing lighter. That lets me know I'm heading in the right direction.

Light be with you as you travel your own paths, my beautiful friends and family.  Much love.

Only the Lonely

When I was 5, we lived in such a tiny Texas town that there were no other kids my age to play with. I grew extremely comfortable with playing by myself. My sister played with me some, but she was the lofty age of 8 and I was too much of a baby to interest her.

My dad was a band teacher so, in the fall, the band members would pile into a school bus to perform at football games in surrounding tiny towns. All the high school girls thought I was just the cutest little thing so i was always sitting on one or other of their laps. Then, with tremendous school spirit they would yell cheers at the tops of their lungs. Right into my ears. It was incredibly uncomfortable for me and I hated it.

Also, both my parents were teachers, so every school day, they and my sister went to 

this magical place called "school." I wanted to go, too. For a 5 year old I mustered up quite a lot of envy and resentment. So I refused to talk. Oh, I'd talk to my immediate family members but no one else, including the sweet old couple who babysat me, never heard the sound of my voice. Also, I wouldn't let anyone except my immediate family touch me.

Around the age of 19 I got tired of being stand-offish so I made myself tolerate being hugged and kissed. I gritted my teeth a lot at first, but gradually I got to where I enjoyed it. By the time I had a child, I was very huggy and affectionate.

So I got to where I really enjoyed being around people and making new friends. I was still a little shy, but not afraid or angry any more.

Then, at the age of 61 I became a paraplegic and was hidden away in a nursing home where I spend a huge majority of my time alone. Sometimes I'm comfortable with it, but then the loneliness creeps in again. It's almost a physical pain. My stomach ties itself in knots and I can feel that my heart is full of desolate tears that I can't seem to release.

So this is my reality. It's come full circle. Sixty years ago I was alone most of the time. Now I'm back there. It's funny how life works, isn't it? It's almost as if this was planned in advance. Perhaps it was.

If I'm anything, I'm adaptable. I just have to work at it harder sometimes. This is one of those times.

Enjoy your moments of solitude, friends. They can be awfully beneficial for you. But it can develop into too much of a good thing, believe me. But if you can balance your life, I believe you will be all right.

Love you. Try to learn your life lessons without self-pity or despair. I've been there. Still am, most of the time. But when I achieve acceptance and gratitude for what I've learned, brief as those moments are, it's as if I get a glimpse of the other side of my life. It's wonderful. Again, this is something I must learn and practise. And I must do it without trying. Seems paradoxical, doesn't it. But it makes sense to me.

Light and love and laughter. May they grace your existence without end.

There is That in Me..

I'll quote an excerpt from Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass:

"There is that in me.

I do not know what it is, but I know it is in me.

To it the Creation is the embrace of the friend who awakens me.

. . . . . . . . 

"It has no name

It is not in any dictionary, utterance, symbol.

Something it swings on more than the Earth I swing on...."

. . . . . . . . . . 

That's not the complete poem, but are the parts that speak most loudly to me.  I'm an emotional wreck and Walt Whitman's poetry soothes me while, at the same time, it makes me think deeply.

I've heard about being on an emotional roller coaster. Nothing quite so simple for me. It's more like being caught up in an emotional tornado. I have no idea where this will take me. I could shut my feelings down and hide back in The Land of Numbness, where I lived for a few years but I don't want to go back there, safe as I felt. I know I must have the courage to love people -- all people -- unconditionally. I say courage because it's impossible to love without making one's self vulnerable, especially in this world.

It's there inside me. All of it, joy and tolerance and love without conditions. I have seen and felt it in quick flashes and it's so beautiful! But I don't know how to reach it and hold onto it, short of giving up this earthly existence.

 Maybe I'm overthinking this. I'm never relaxed and I have an extremely busy and noisy brain, i don't know how to slow it down so I can concentrate on meditation. I feel meditating would be extremely helpful in my situation.

My mind is running in circles again. No need to bore anyone by going over the same things, time after time, so I'll stop now.

Peace and  the light of unconditional love to all of you.