Breaking of the Dam

Sometimes I just can't cope. I feel physically weak, all tingly down my arms, like you get just before you pass out. Only this has been going on for more than an hour. The nurse took my vitals which were all good except for a glucose level of 300+ and high blood pressure. Seems I'm ultra-stressed out. Completely overwhelmed. Don't want to cry, but can't stop. Jeff is supposed to drop by tonight after teaching his class to bring me some diet Dr. Pepper and give me a much-needed hug. I'm a mess, so I must pull myself together before he gets here. He's the one who needs comforting, not me.

The nurse gave me some medicine. I'm out of my anti-anxiety med, so I hope these help. Wouldn't want to have a heart attack or stroke from high blood pressure, after all. That would be very bad of me.

I apologize for this weepy, straggling mess of an entry. Time to distract myself with some Bones episodes and relax. I want to DO something, but that's impossible, so it's time to seek refuge somewhere other than my brain. And some place where my heart doesn't hurt. If only there really was a place like that in this lifetime.

Be well, my sweet friends. Be kind to yourselves and each other. I love you.

 Eventually, there will be respite. I just wish I didn't have to leave everyone behind to go to the place where I can find it.

On the Flip Side

I had a think-fest last night and decided that i was going to stop thrashing ard flailing around t

Into this raging river of frustration I've been drowning in and stop beating myself up by trying to control things I have no way to control. My abcess is doing wrll, though it will probably take several more weeks to completely heal

I got up in my chair today, which was extremely pleasant.i snagged the lady from the business office and got a huge surprise. Now that I am a "skilled" patient, Medicare is covering my room and board. I get to keep all my social security, at least for now. I'm too cynical to think that this will last, but I'm going to spend some,on necessities, then save the rest.Then I took a shower and was feeling pretty happy

Then I got a call from my ex. He was talking very fast. He said, "i'm not going to be able to isit today because I flipped the car. He said he was ok. I thought, who can flip upside dowm in their car and be fine? He said he would go to the ER to get checked out. I hope he really did that.

I was extremely upset and worried and was literally wringing my hands with agitation. The nurse gave me some medicine snd I calmed back down to a level where I could relax.

Then the wound care nurse replaced a bandage on my posterior, took a look and said, This looks terrible!" She explained that I'd had a short red line along the scar from where my plastic surgery scar is. Now, she said, it's all open andd looks awful.

I'm breathing in a deep breath and exhaling a huge sigh. It'ts always something, it seems.

Here's a picture of Jeff's sad little car. It makes me terribly sad., but I'm happy it wasn"t any worse.

May you all live and travel with love and safety, my friends. You are precious to me.

.

Mercurial Moods

I've been a crazy person all day. I don't mean running-down-the-halls-naked-and-screaming crazy, though I might give that a try if I was able. I mean emotional trampoline crazy.  I've cried, I've laughed, I've cried while laughing and laughed while crying. I've been in the depths of despair and, minutes later, been happy as a clam. Mostly, I've been really confused.

There's a light hovering just beyond my reach. It's a light of lasting love toward life, and a calm comfort, like floating in a warm pool of water. It's knowing that everything is unfolding as it should and I'm capable of forgetting my worries and being in a world of joy. But it's right... there... just far enough away that I can feel it but can't get it into my grasp. I want to reach further, strain my muscles to their limit, I want it so badly. But a little voice is whispering to let it go because the more I fight to reach it, the less likely I am to get it.

See what I mean? It's very confusing. But I know in my heart it's there and I'm capable of reaching it. All I have to do is stop trying.

This is not the way I've experienced the world. I grew up learning that if I want something, then I'll need  to try with all my might to get it. Like wanting to become as independent as possible. I've worked so hard to get that, even though it's been almost four years and my physical situation not only hasn't gotten better, I'm just about as far from being independent as I can get, unless something else goes cataclysmically wrong with me. Maybe I shoulsn't bring that up. Before I caught meningitis, I weighed close to 300 pounds. I dieted all my life, to no avail. Finally, I gave up and decided that only way I'd ever get thinner would be to catch a cataclysmic disease. I want to point out to whomever was listening, that I absolutely did not have meningitis and paraplegia in mind. Anyway, I became unable to keep anything down and, for about three months I steadily became malnourished. During that time I lost 110 pounds. I do not recommend it. Since then, I've lost an additional ten pounds but can't tell you how. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the food they serve us here.

Anyway, I'm having a hard time changing my way of thinking, after having spent a lifetime learning how to get what I want. All that gets me now is a headache, both real and metaphorical. After learning to close myself in to protect myself, I need to open myself up. (Why does an autopsy come to mind? I think I've been watching too many episodes of Bones recently.) I think I need to take a deep breath, relax, and let the universe come in. No fear, just acceptance.

I feel like I'm no longer a part of the world, but do I really need to be? This will take some time to evaluate. I am a world within myself, but am also made of the same starstuff as everyone and everything else. If I don't love myself, how can I put love out into the universe? If I close myself in, then how will love come into me? I don't have the answers. I'm just a lost little traveller, looking for signs that I'm going the right direction.

May you all find love, comfort, and joy.

Putting the Courage in Discouragement

It's been nearly four years. At first I thought my life would be different, but enjoyable and that I would progress as time went by. But that's not what happened. I just got worse. The more time went by the worse my situation got. Today i feel like i'll never make any progress. To say I am discouraged would be like saying the Mississippi River is a gentle, burbling stream. I squeeze my will with all my might to proceed with courage and hold onto whatever shreds of hope I can find. It's literally a matter of life and death. I'm not talking about suicide. I'm saying that existence without courage or hope is like being utterly dead inside. I've been there and really don't want to ever go back again.

So I'm embroiled in an epic battle with myself. I'm so tired of traveling this road and losing and losing every time I turn around. It's just one battle after another, one wall after another. Is this what my life will continue to be like until I'm lucky enough to die? What a dreadful thought.

Today I am discouraged. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. I'll hang on to that tiny spark of hope that means I'm not entirely lost. 

Hang in there, loved ones. The darkness hasn't won yet. ❤❤❤

Buried Alive

It's how I feel lately, and me without a shovel. Even a big spoon would do. I hate being so down. I hate even more spreading it around by writing about it. Sometimes my legs have the sensation of being trapped under large, heavy rocks. It's weird because, in reality, they really don't have sensation of any kind to speak of. Sometimes my soul feels like it's weighed down, too.

I keep thinking about how unhappy I got after I had my first shower in months. I cried and I don't know why. It wasn't from joy, I can assure you. It wasn't from physical pain, either, though the plastic table they lay me on to transfer me down to the shower room hurts my back. Also, when they had me in the lift, they bonked my head really hard on the door to my room. That hurt, too. Thankfully, that seldom happens.

Saw my therapist today. It was a somber session. He did get me to laugh, once. He was proud of that, because I was not at all cheerful. He's a real sweetheart and I'm lucky he's my therapist. I'm extremely unhappy that I will lose him as my therapist if I actually do get orthopedic surgery. I'm dreading the thought of never seeing him again, and of starting all over again with another therapist. But the way things are going, I have to wonder if the surgery on my legs is ever going to happen. Something always seems to get in the way of my progress. It's almost uncanny.

I am grateful.....

...that I have such a terrific therapist

...for my wonderful friends and family

...that I generally have my wits about me

...that Jeff and I have become great friends

...that I still have hope I'll live with a warm, cuddly old rescue cat one day

...that I still remember what a purr feels like and sounds

...that I have children I am proud of whom I love very much

...that I was privileged to have Lyra in my life for nine wonderful years of love and laughter

And so I will end this on a positive note.

May your lives be filled with laughter and happy dreams that never end.

Out of the Land of Nod

Oops. Slept all day. Literally. Didn't fall asleep until 5 a.m. and woke up about 10 p.m. I think I succumbed to escape from depression. Had some really bizarre dreams. So absolutely nothing happened today except that I have a hellava headache from sleeping too much. Also am hungry because I slept through all three meals. I'm pretty sure, however much I may enjoy BeanieWienies, one small can of them will not be enough. Good thing I have sandwich makings.

I wonder if I'll sleep again before my mental health therapist comes to see me tomorrow? Probably not.  Well, that pretty much guarantees I will not be sharp-witted for our session. On the other hand, when I'm tired I tend to be more open with my true feelings, so maybe it will prove to be beneficial. We'll see.

By the way, I found out today that Sterling House does not accept Medicaid, Medicare, or Social Security as payment. So that goal has been shot down. I hope that's not true of all assisted living places in the area. Cross your fingers for me, please.

Here's hoping you are all well-rested and happy. ❤

I gotta work on this, but I often feel as though struggles are all I have and I grow so weary of the fight.

The Law of Distraction.

The Psychiatric PA visited me today. She's supposed to increase my Wellbutrin, which is an anti-depressant that works well for me. I hope that actually happens because I have had a heck of a struggle fighting depression off. I get hopeful and feel good about the future then something like not being able to get physical therapy because my legs are frozen into a convoluted mess comes along. And I become devestated again.

She pointed me toward a documentary named "The Secret." I found it on Netflix and watched most of it. I thought about what I want in my life. Of course, I want to walk again, but since part of my spine has been removed, that's unlikely

So my greatest goals are:

INDEPENDENCE

1.  I want an automatic wheelchair that I can ride in and control.

2. I want to get orthopedic surgery to straighten out my legs so I can sit in a wheelchair.

3. I want for all my wounds to heal so I can have have the orthopedic surgery.

4. Once I accomplish these, I want to become strong enough to transfer myself from bed and whatever else I may need to, like a shower chair and my wheechair.

5. I want to live in an assisted living apartment with a small kitchenette where I can have some privacy, like in the Sterling House in Midwest City.

6. I want to adopt a cuddly, older cat to snuggle with.

I know there will be many obstacles and hoops to jump through, over, and around, but I believe I can accomplish these goals.

"The Secret" is all about the law of attraction. Put simply, the premise is that whatever you're thinking about, good or bad, the universe will provide it to you. I don't recall ever, at any time, thinking about being a paraplegic, so I'll need to explore this further.

This is a lot to take in, and, so far, it seems a bit simplistic, but I've heard it mentioned in many genres of spiritual and philosophical treatises, so maybe there's something to it. At least, it's worth looking into.

So here I will go -- the great explorer, traveling through the universe with my heart and soul.

May each of you carry sunshine and affection in your hearts forever.