Stating the Obvious

Part 2 of my hospital stay revelations.

I was feeling a lot more myself after a few days and my throat wasn't hurting, so I went back to being my chatterbox self. A great guy named Vince came on shift as my tech. So, while he was doing things around my room, I told him about Lyra. Of course I did. I tell EVERYBODY about Lyra. I enjoy telling people about her because I like sharing her story with others and because it helps me keep her alive in my mind.

Vince was extremely receptive to me and seemed to enjoy listening about Lyra so, over a couple of days, I went into greater detail about her. He just gobbled it all up. He turned out to be not only receptive but open-mindedly spiritual as well.

Since Lyra died I've been struggling to figure out why I'm still alive. For a long while I felt like I was utterly useless, and I truly was. I'm still unable to do anything for myself or anyone else and I've lost almost any semblance of independence. So I was at a total loss as to what my purpose in life could possibly be. And I yearned to leave this life and go Home to spirit. I even had a plan and was slowly putting it into motion. But when I thought back to all the potentially fatal  illnesses I've survived, like hemmoraging after a tonsillectomy in 1952, and having emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder in the 1970s, and having Hepatitis A in the 1970s, and having the flesh-eating bacterium invade my abdomen in 1998, then getting bacterial meningitis which is what caused my paraplegia in 2010, I figured there must be SOME reason for me to be alive. But what? I could not imagine what it could be.

Eventually I realized that I could use my one and only talent of putting words together. That was the only power I had left. But I had no idea what to write. So I started this blog, and have been writing it, somewhat sporadically, for nearly a year. But, I knew, it wasn't the answer to my question.

So I was lying in my hospital bed, regaling Vince with tales of Lyra's life when he turned, looked at me, and said, "You should write about Lyra's story." And in my mind I heard what sounded like a chorus of angels and saw a light brighter than the sun. And I thought, "Of course! Why didn't I think of that?" It was so obvious I couldn't imagine why I hadn't thought of it myself. But I knew, the second Vince said it, that THIS is my purpose!

I told Vince that and, later, told him that if Lyra's story ever gets published as a book, I will say in the acknowledgements, "Many thanks to Vince, for stating the obvious."

So, as has always been my habit before writing, I am mulling this around in the back of my mind. I'm also thinking about who I need permission from to include their names and possibly pictures. This is, after all, a true story about Lyra's life. However, I will change names and omit photos of those who want to stay anonymous. 

There you have my second revelation. It seems kind of stupid that I had to be in the hospital and suffer so much pain just to get a couple of revelations, especially since writing about Lyra wasn't a new idea. In fact, that had been suggested to me by other people. I guess I wasn't ready for it before. I wasn't in a place of acceptance until my illness wiped away all of my other concerns and left the way open for Vince to reach my inner self. Who knows? I just know that it feels right, and I have no doubt that I will accomplish my goal.

And now, there's not even a thought or wish of dying. I want to live because I know what my purpose is for being here.

Thank you to all that made this suggestion. Sorry it fell on deaf ears. Love, hope, and peace to you all.

Lyra as a baby. She was grinning, of course. ❤️

:-D

When Angels Speak

Revelation time. Most of the time I was in the hospital for an impacted bowel I was either in too much pain or felt just plain too awful to think coherently. Also, I was averaging 4 hours of sleep a day because, at night, somebody was waking me up every two hours to do something to me and, days, somebody was always pretty much constantly doing something to me or for me. Being a patient in a hospital is not for the faint of heart.

After a few days of sleep deprivation I felt well enough to dig in my heels . I was determined to get some sleep. I didn't want to watch tv. I didn't want to play on the internet. I didn't want to read, nor listen to music. I wanted to sleep. So around 2 in the afternoon I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. At around 4:30 I gave up.

It later occurred to me that, while I lay there, awake and relaxed, I entered a kind of meditative state. I am a big failure at meditation. My thoughts buzz randomly around my head like out of control drivers traveling at high speeds around a traffic circle in Rome. A few minutes of trying to meditate and my thoughts sprint in all directions at one time. So I give up.

That's why I'm astounded that I managed to quiet my mind that day. I think it must have been the combination of exhaustion, illness, and desperation that got me to that point.

I was brought up in the Methodist church so I've heard about guardian angels all my life. I gave up on organized religion long ago, but started seeking out spiritual truths after my little girl died from cancer in 2011. That, coming fairly soon after I lost the ability to walk, had laid me pretty low, emotionally. I confess, I wallowed in that chasm of despair for a couple of years.

But learning about and exploring spirituality, and the help of a mental health therapist, saved me. I was teetering on the edge of a cliff, ready to step off into eternal oblivion.

So the first of my two spiritual revelations happened while I lay there trying to sleep. I'd read a lot about how to contact my angels, but never managed to do it. Maybe that was because I'm skeptical about things I can't see for myself. But I was feeling pretty desperate so I figured what the hey -- I may as well give it another try.

I said to them, silently, "Angels, help me. Help me cope. I don't know what to do. Please help me." And I thanked them with love.

Then, almost immediately, they answered me in my mind. It wasn't in words, exactly, or in pictures. It was kind of both and neither at the same time. Because of that, I can't quote what they said. But the message was very clear. They told me I need to love myself unconditionally, I need to forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made in this lifetime, and I need to accept myself completely, just the way I am.

This sounds crazy, right? Was I actually just having a chat with my own subconcious? Who knows? They didn't tell me how to go about doing these things, but I did get a mental picture of me opening up my inner self like one would open a treasure chest full of radiant light. And I felt at peace. That's stuck with me, with just a couple of short dips into sadness. I guess it doesn't really matter where the message came from. It just matters that I received it.

I want everyone to understand that I don't expect anyone to believe me, or to take any of this as an invitation to adopt my beliefs. We are, I think, each on our own journey. We can walk together for awhile and share in each other's journey, but I'm pretty sure we each have to find our own way the best we can. My intention is not to convince anyone that I'm right and they're wrong. I'm simply offering this to you as food for thought. Or you can dismiss it out of hand, even laugh at it. It doesn't matter in the long run. We each have free will, and so we can choose whatever path we want to travel.

Well, again, this is awfully long. The other revelation I experienced will have to wait until my next blog entry. Sorry. I promise I will do my best to write about it tomorrow.

Thank you for letting me share my story with you. Peace and joy to you all.

What happened?

You might be wondering that, because it's been over a month since I wrote my last blog entry. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I'll try to figure it out.  First, I got tired of beating my head againts walls and backed way off from trying, futiley, to fight my way out of going nowhere. I didn't give up, exactly, but I did realize that I need to choose my battles more wisely. Once I did, I was much happier. For awhile all I did was watch tv shows and movies, along with a few documentaries, on my iPad. I was kicking back, trying to renew my mental, emotional and spiritual energy. It worked pretty well and that also made me happier.

However, I had some infections going that had me feeling bad and causing me pain. My doctor doesn't like prescribing medicine, especially pain meds and antibiotics.  So, for weeks, I just lay in bed feeling pretty awful. It culminated, eventually, into a severe pain on my left side. I was sent to the emergecy room. They did a ct scan but couldn't see anything so they sent me back to the nursing home. The next day, the pain got worse and worse until my stomach grew distended and hard and I spent the entire night screaming with pain. It wasn't as painful as giving birth, but it was close.

So the next morning I went back to the emergency room. This time they did an x-ray and found the problem. I had a bowel impaction, which meant that nothing was getting through. Think about that for a quick moment. Don't dwell on it, though, because it's an icky mental image.

So they put a tube down my nose and admitted me into the hospital. I was there 8 days.

I won't go into the gritty details of my treatments. They, happily, involved getting intravenous antibiotics, which coincidently cleared up my infections, so yay for that. And I got this dandy IV pain medicine which, when given too quickly, made me throw up, which you do NOT want to do when you have a tube going down your throat. But, at the same time, it gave me a hell of a rush, which sent me back to the '60s. I never actually shot anything up back then, but the rush from my pain med gave me a better understanding of why people get hooked on that kind of thing. And how it can turn into a very steep slippery slope. I even considered lying about my pain to get more, but, thankfully, resisted the urge.

Gradually, day by day, I got better and better. They finally took the tube out of my nose, and my sore throat got better until I could talk again. Not being able to talk -- now, THAT was painful.

The experience was extremely educational and I learned some real spiritual lessons, as well. In fact, I had a true spirtual revelation. Two of them.

This entry is too long to tell you about them today, but I will explain about these revelations in my next entry. I promise not to let 6 weeks go by between entries this time.

Thank you to everyone who gave me love and support while I was sick. You're the best. Love and peace. ❤️