After a few days of sleep deprivation I felt well enough to dig in my heels . I was determined to get some sleep. I didn't want to watch tv. I didn't want to play on the internet. I didn't want to read, nor listen to music. I wanted to sleep. So around 2 in the afternoon I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. At around 4:30 I gave up.
It later occurred to me that, while I lay there, awake and relaxed, I entered a kind of meditative state. I am a big failure at meditation. My thoughts buzz randomly around my head like out of control drivers traveling at high speeds around a traffic circle in Rome. A few minutes of trying to meditate and my thoughts sprint in all directions at one time. So I give up.
That's why I'm astounded that I managed to quiet my mind that day. I think it must have been the combination of exhaustion, illness, and desperation that got me to that point.
I was brought up in the Methodist church so I've heard about guardian angels all my life. I gave up on organized religion long ago, but started seeking out spiritual truths after my little girl died from cancer in 2011. That, coming fairly soon after I lost the ability to walk, had laid me pretty low, emotionally. I confess, I wallowed in that chasm of despair for a couple of years.
But learning about and exploring spirituality, and the help of a mental health therapist, saved me. I was teetering on the edge of a cliff, ready to step off into eternal oblivion.
So the first of my two spiritual revelations happened while I lay there trying to sleep. I'd read a lot about how to contact my angels, but never managed to do it. Maybe that was because I'm skeptical about things I can't see for myself. But I was feeling pretty desperate so I figured what the hey -- I may as well give it another try.
I said to them, silently, "Angels, help me. Help me cope. I don't know what to do. Please help me." And I thanked them with love.
Then, almost immediately, they answered me in my mind. It wasn't in words, exactly, or in pictures. It was kind of both and neither at the same time. Because of that, I can't quote what they said. But the message was very clear. They told me I need to love myself unconditionally, I need to forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made in this lifetime, and I need to accept myself completely, just the way I am.
This sounds crazy, right? Was I actually just having a chat with my own subconcious? Who knows? They didn't tell me how to go about doing these things, but I did get a mental picture of me opening up my inner self like one would open a treasure chest full of radiant light. And I felt at peace. That's stuck with me, with just a couple of short dips into sadness. I guess it doesn't really matter where the message came from. It just matters that I received it.
I want everyone to understand that I don't expect anyone to believe me, or to take any of this as an invitation to adopt my beliefs. We are, I think, each on our own journey. We can walk together for awhile and share in each other's journey, but I'm pretty sure we each have to find our own way the best we can. My intention is not to convince anyone that I'm right and they're wrong. I'm simply offering this to you as food for thought. Or you can dismiss it out of hand, even laugh at it. It doesn't matter in the long run. We each have free will, and so we can choose whatever path we want to travel.
Well, again, this is awfully long. The other revelation I experienced will have to wait until my next blog entry. Sorry. I promise I will do my best to write about it tomorrow.
Thank you for letting me share my story with you. Peace and joy to you all.
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