Doing the Limbo

I'm neither there, where hope lives, nor there, where the grasping fingers of despair keep ypu ensnared. I'm floating somewhere in the middle, feeling neither. It's an effective defense mechanism. I've used it many times in my life. Sometimes it worked to support me. More often, it proved to be detrimental to me. But right now, it seems to be working for the better. Somehow it's not entirely blocking out love or hope. They're faded versions, to be sure, but their lights have not been extinguished altogether.

It's the best I can do, under the physical circumstances that retrain me so completely. I cannot move forward independence, due to the many wounds, lesions and developing or healing abcesses my body now fights. And I may as well be tied down to these circumstances because there's nothing I can do.

Hence, I retreat into limbo land. Good thing I have developed tolerance and patience. Things are so much better since I decided to let go and just float along, following the river where it chooses to take me. Once I find myself in a place where I can find a toehole again, I'll dig in and stop floating. But, for now, I'm a drifter. I know where I want to go, but, so far, life isn't leading me there. Thrashing has done more harm than good. A couple of times I felt like I was about to drown and wasn't so sure that was a bad idea.

But suicide is not amongst my choices right now. While I believe it's a reasonable option, should life become intolerable, at the moment suicide is unthinkable. It would be like watching an exciting movie, then leaving before it was resolved. I want to see how this story ends. I'm interested in what happens next.

So I am, in my own little way, feeling good. I have people to love and, though some of them are part of short-term relationships, like my therapist, I'm happy to spread love his way, too, for as long as our relationship lasts. He's a sweet guy who deserves to have a little affection offered his way.

I am at peace, for now. Not contented, exactly, but OK for the moment.

I wish I could wrap up these feeling in a box with a bow on top for every one of you to open. That would be beautiful. ❤