Reaching New Highs

The nurse tested my glucose level right after I woke up today. It was 450. For you lucky folk who don't have a reason to know this, I'll clue you in. That's high. That's go-the-hospital high. Normal is 100. She gave me insulin and a bunch of pills, then took it again later. It was all the way down to 415. Right now it's down to about 186, which is way better than 450. Why is it getting so high? Maybe because of the fact that one of my tried-and-true diabetes medications was discontinued while I was in the hospital. My doc said he'd reinstate it, but hasn't done so.

Needless to say, I've felt pretty bad all day. It's such a treat to feel sad and then get physically ill, too. But, on the positive side, the abcess on my abdomen doesn't hurt constantly anymore. That's a plus.

When I started this blog, I pictured reporting my struggles, but also my progress. Mentally, things have improved. At least I don't just lie around wishing a chunk of an airplane would fall on me. Or a large cow. Anything fatal would've done. But there has been no physical progress. In fact, physically, I've gotten worse and worse. I've tried really hard to get what my body needs in order to make progress and regain as much independence as I can, but something always blocks it from happening. Physically, I'm much worse off than I was a year ago.

And I have to wonder why. There's no answer, of course. It just is what it is.

Being who I am, I'm not angry at anyone. There's no one at fault. So the feelings go where they always go -- inside me. They nestle down and curl up in my abdomen where they ooze sadness and pain and fear. I watch helplessly as hope turns to smoke and starts drifting away. Because I am stubborn, I capture some of it and put it in a pocket in my heart for safekeeping. I am determined to hang onto it because I know I can't live without it, and wouldn't want to.

Well, this has been a cheery little treat for you. Don't worry. I have a couple of pieces of advice I give myself. The first is, "If there's one thing you can depend on in life, it's change." It may not be a change for the better, but things never stay the same. And they're just as likely to be changes for the better as they are changes for the worse.

The second piece of advice is, "Start from here." In other words, treat dead ends like they are new beginnings. Look forward, not backwards. There are a lot of ways to say this, but however you say it, hope automatically becomes a part of it.

Be as cheerful as you can, even if the tent you're hiding under to make you feel safe collapses around you. Maybe it's been hiding you from happiness. And with that enigmatic crumb of advice, I bid you happiness, health, and love.

Huh. There's a small vehicle in my eye.