There's a light hovering just beyond my reach. It's a light of lasting love toward life, and a calm comfort, like floating in a warm pool of water. It's knowing that everything is unfolding as it should and I'm capable of forgetting my worries and being in a world of joy. But it's right... there... just far enough away that I can feel it but can't get it into my grasp. I want to reach further, strain my muscles to their limit, I want it so badly. But a little voice is whispering to let it go because the more I fight to reach it, the less likely I am to get it.
See what I mean? It's very confusing. But I know in my heart it's there and I'm capable of reaching it. All I have to do is stop trying.
This is not the way I've experienced the world. I grew up learning that if I want something, then I'll need to try with all my might to get it. Like wanting to become as independent as possible. I've worked so hard to get that, even though it's been almost four years and my physical situation not only hasn't gotten better, I'm just about as far from being independent as I can get, unless something else goes cataclysmically wrong with me. Maybe I shoulsn't bring that up. Before I caught meningitis, I weighed close to 300 pounds. I dieted all my life, to no avail. Finally, I gave up and decided that only way I'd ever get thinner would be to catch a cataclysmic disease. I want to point out to whomever was listening, that I absolutely did not have meningitis and paraplegia in mind. Anyway, I became unable to keep anything down and, for about three months I steadily became malnourished. During that time I lost 110 pounds. I do not recommend it. Since then, I've lost an additional ten pounds but can't tell you how. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the food they serve us here.
Anyway, I'm having a hard time changing my way of thinking, after having spent a lifetime learning how to get what I want. All that gets me now is a headache, both real and metaphorical. After learning to close myself in to protect myself, I need to open myself up. (Why does an autopsy come to mind? I think I've been watching too many episodes of Bones recently.) I think I need to take a deep breath, relax, and let the universe come in. No fear, just acceptance.
I feel like I'm no longer a part of the world, but do I really need to be? This will take some time to evaluate. I am a world within myself, but am also made of the same starstuff as everyone and everything else. If I don't love myself, how can I put love out into the universe? If I close myself in, then how will love come into me? I don't have the answers. I'm just a lost little traveller, looking for signs that I'm going the right direction.
May you all find love, comfort, and joy.
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