Love is the key. I got that much straight. But I can't find the lock. Besides, I think the door is locked from the inside.
OK, OK.... I realize I'm crawling around in the dark, trying to make sense of where I'm going, so lost I don't even know where there IS to go.
It has something to do with magic and the alchemy of turning my leaden heart to gold. Better than gold. I'm getting the hang of it, I think. Sometimes I can actually feel my spirit opening up for a split-second, and it just floods through me -- the beauty and peace and joy. Then it's just an echo again.
I yearn for that. I yearn to be so complete with it that it overflows everywhere I go and goes into other people so that they glow from the inside and spread it to the next person, and on and on.
I watched a video about Eckhart Tolle, who is well known in spiritual circles. He said that he was leading a typically dreary, heart-heavy existence. Then one night he awoke early, before dawn, and it suddenly all made sense to him. He was joyous and at peace, and never stopped feeling that way again.
Apparently, my guardian angels are slacking off. His experience, awakening, enlightenment -- whatever you want to call it -- seems so facile. I'd like to have a breakthrough like that. I'm happy for him, of course. I don't begrudge him his good fortune. Well, maybe a little.
Oh, hell. I feel like a kid who was last in line and they ran out of lollipops just as they got to me.
But I'm not ready to give up. I have good news. The abcess on my abdomen is beginning to close up, and the wounds on my bottom are doing well. One is almost completely healed. On the other hand, the spot in the middle of my back is getting worse. This will be the third go-round in the very same spot since last May. Problem is, scar tissue is weak and each time I get an infection there it creates more scar tissue, which weakens it more and makes it more likely to become infected. Grrrr.
But I'm not going to cry my eyes out this time. I'll just take things one at a time. There are forces at work here that are about as impossible for me to control as the weather.
Speakng of weather, today I watched snow fall for hours. I didn't sleep at all last night so I was awake to see the first tiny flakes buzzing crazily around. Then the snow grew larger and faster, going straight down, then one way then another until it was flying in every direction at once. It soothed my soul. Finally, the flakes were small again, looking like tiny winged creatures searching for the others. So beautiful.
It's been a good day, all in all. Hope yours was too. Be safe and happy. ❤
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