A Blast From the Past

It's been awhile since I've felt so despondent. Seems to me that every time I manage to worm my way up into the sunshine, a big shoe comes along and crushes me. Then a voice goes "Augh!" and I'm scraped off and lay, crushed until the sun shrivels me into a flat, blackened husk.

Maybe it's really not that melodramatic, but that's how it feels at the time. I have to pull myself back together, bit by bit, and start again -- not from exactly the same place, but it's still a massive struggle. My worst enemy is myself. The only good thing I can truly say about myself at this point is that I'm tenacious. 

But now it's as if I am in a box canyon that has three high, sheer walls and a wild, wide river is roaring across the way I came in so I can't go back. I can't swim and I can't climb. There is no way out. I'm completely trapped. And that's how I feel. It is my actuality.

I've cheered myself up before. I went back and read most of my blog, starting from the first entry. I can keep learning about spirituality. It does help temporarily, but my depression and recurring feelings of hopelessness seem to drill straight through my psyche into my soul, and the good feelings run out of me in an endless waterfall. Why is that? Like I said, I'm my own worst enemy. And I'm tired of the constant struggle to find some way to be useful, to have some kind of purpose. Hell, to just find and keep seeing a glimmer of hope.

I've said before that I was traveling a rough, steep road. It was slow, but I felt like I was making progress. That road no longer exists. It is a cul-de-sac with no outlet now. All I can hope for is to go in circles until I can't go any further.

And those dark, dangerous words pop into my head like neon lights: "Then what's the point?"

I'm back at the crossroads. With a difference. I have stopped thinking of suicide as a solution. Problem is, all that leaves is an endless circle. Can't win for losing, it seems.

I suppose, like a mouse in a cage, I will never stop trying to find a way out of this trap. Tenacity is not always a positive quality. I truly have no way to escape. This the way it is and will be until I die, which I sincerely hope will be soon.

I feel a change coming on, though. I don't know if it will be good or bad. Doesn't matter. I will have to deal with it one way or another. But it feels, vaguely, like it will involve more loss. Or maybe I'm just paranoid because of all the losses I've experienced in the past decade. We'll see.

I wish for all of you to experience much love, light and laughter in your lives. And don't fret about me. I seem to be in some kind of transition and transitions are always painful.

❤❤❤