I've been watching a lot of documentaries in YouTube today. The subjects were eclectic. Some history, some wildlife, some biography. All kinds of stuff. I like learning new things, so that has cheered me up some too.
I'm making an effort not to feel so much like a caged animal and having some success with that. I feel fortunate that things I've experieced in life have taught me some patience and tolerance. I need those qualities in my current circumstances. I really don't think intelligently when I'm raging uncontrollably and uselessly. I don't think anyone does, really.
Still, I feel trapped. I see no way my life can improve. Maybe there is no way and I'm stuck like this. When that really sinks in and I feel it all the way to my soul, I imagine I'll be going through all the stages of grief again. I may have already started. Isn't denial the first step? Inside, I've been denying that I will be stuck like this forever. That's been going on for years. I'm still at that stage, but can feel it beginning to fade.and I'm pretty sure i've already worked my way through my anger stage. That happened right away. I was furious with God, mother nature -- you name it. That was irrational since nothing and nobody was responsible. That faded somewhat quickly. I'm not big on casting blame.
So what's next? Hell if I know. But I'm pretty sure I'm nowhere near the stage of acceptance.
My therapist likes to tease me about being stubborn. He's right. I am stubborn. Sometimes that causes me more harm than good, but I can't help it. There's just something in me that doesn't let me give up.
So I will grit my teeth and trudge endlessly in circles until I find a way out. I know in my heart a way out exists. I just don't know what it is yet.
Thanks for your support, all you sweethearts. It's heartening to know that I have you backing me up. Love and peace to you all.
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