I Woke Up Crying Today

My nurse, who is a true sweetheart, came in and asked me why I was crying. I had to tell her I didn't know why. It wasn't the dream I'd been having. That was a full-fledged romantic thriller starring Audry Hepburn and Cary Grant. Something created wholly from my subconscious. Very exciting, too.

But, thinking back a few years, for a long time after my husband left me I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, sobbing. Then, later, the same thing would happen after my little girl died of cancer. So it must have something to do with grief. But, for the life of me, I can't pinpoint what I'm grieving for. For nothing? For everything? For my independence? For the inevitable changes that are sure to occur now that my best friend has revealed how irritating she finds me? For the loss of how comfortable I used to feel with her? For the realization that my life will never change for the better? For my loneliness?

What's the point of going on with a list. It's everything and nothing. By some miracle, when suicide went from a possibility to disappear from my thoughts altogether, even became a distasteful idea, it stayed gone. So that's not a way out of my misery. All I can really do is wait and endure. Maybe things will get better. Maybe they won't. 

Right now,  nothing I do, watch, hear, read, think, see, or remember gives me comfort.  Will this last a day, a week, a month, forever? I don't know. All I know is right now. Right now, I exist in sadness. Seize the moment. Ha.

Life isn't easy and I've been through some tough times, as has everyone. But never before have I come to a total standstill, mired in unhappiness without a way to struggle out of it. I seem to be my own worst enemy now. All this thinking and reasoning gets me nowhere. What is, is.

I managed to sleep nearly 12 hours last night. Maybe that's what I need -- to block out my conscious mind as much as possible and let my subconscious mind take over for awhile. Last night it provided me with some pretty good entertainment, after all.

We'll see.

Peace and comfort to you all. ❤️