Who Do the Hell Do I Think I Am?

I've bumbled, surrounded by a glass box, through the years of my life, thinking I was trying my best and that my best was pretty much all right. I even felt sometimes that I was doing a good job. My anchor was my best friend. No matter what happened, good or bad, I knew in the depths of my heart that she loved me and accepted me, flaws and all, and that we would always be there for each other. 

Until last night. I never, in all the years of our friendship, asked her for money, though she generously gave me some now and then. i was grateful, because I only get about $100 a month. For three years, my income was $20 a month.

I have some aromatherapy lotion that helps me sleep. To me, it's very expensive at $13 a bottle. I don't have to have it. After all, I'll hardly die if I don't have some. But when I smooth it onto my skin, it soothes and relaxes me. It makes me feel special, almost as if I didn't have to get rid of everything I owned when I became a paraplegic and had to move into a nursing home. You know, like I was able to have something special, just for me. Then I saw yesterday that it was on sale for only $5 a bottle. For one day only. Problem was, it was 2 days before my social security arrived. By the time that came, the sale would be over and the lotion would be too expensive again.

So I did something I don't remember ever doing before. I called my friend and asked if she would buy some for me. That was a horrible mistake. She got really angry and hung up without even saying goodbye.

Later I called her back and told her I was sorry. She'd given me some money months earlier and chided me because I'd already spent it. I guess she had expected me to save it instead of spend it. I don't know. That's probably what she would have done.

She went on to tell me how many times she'd bitten her tongue because I'd irritated her. This was a revelation to me. I'd been believing all these years that she'd loved me as I was. She hid it well. I'd been believing she accepted me, faults and all. I was foolish. Like I said, I was living in a glass room.

Nobody's ever loved me unconditionally, other than my mother. Every person who has loved me since I became an adult, has eventually turned on me. Who do I think I am? I don't even think it's possible for someone to love me unconditionally. Is this my life lesson? Am I too arrogant and need to be taken down a few pegs?

Well, it's worked. I'm nobody. I'm nothing. And as for my friend, she gets all the credit for tolerating me and hiding her irritation. I added nothing but irritation to the relationship.

Now that I've learned the lesson -- and I've been so dense that I've had to have it pounded into my head since I was in gradeschool -- could I go Home now? Please. I know I don't deserve any mercy. I've been an irritation to others my whole life.  A taker. Selish and self-centered.

Please, God, angels. Please take me Home. I don't want to be here anymore. I have no hatred or anger in my heart, not even toward myself. I'm so tired. Please let me rest now.