A Pebble in My Shoe

 Cried a lot yesterday so I wasn't in any shape to write a coherent blog entry. I'm not sure I will be coherent today, either, because I've only had an hour of sleep since 4 p.m. yesterday afternoon. Also, my head hurts.

It started when a Physical Therapy tech told me that I will never be able to sit in a wheelchair again, with the exception of a geri-chair, which is like a recliner on wheels which someone has to push from behind. The exception, she said, would be if a wheelchair was built especially for my needs, but that would cost thousands and thousands of dollars. And we all know that's not going to happen.

So I saw any chance of independence disappear forever.

The reason for this restriction comes from spending more than 3 years lying in a bed with no physical therapy. Well, OK. A week or two's worth. My legs twisted and contracted and that caused my spine to twiist so badly that I am unable to sit upright in a regular chair.

After I'd pondered this all night, saw my therapist, and done a little digging on the internet to see if Medicare would get involved, the boulder that stood blocking the pathway to my meager hopes and dreams seemed to shrink a little, but not a lot. It's still there, pretty much still a humongous obstacle.

So here's what I'm planning to do. I can'l go over this boulder and can't get past it on either side. I'm either going to have to chisel my way through it or burrow my way under it. There's a lot of time and effort needed for those last two things, and they might turn out to be impossible.

If they turn out to be impossible, then I'll need to do a lot of soul-searching. I'll have to consider that an important life-lesson is being learned and I still have things to do on THIS side of the boulder.

Right now, I don't know what else I can do.

I'm worn out from all this unhappy deep thinking. I'm still not a happy girl. At least that boulder didn't kill me. In fact, it missed me by a mile. 

Please, spirit angels, let me get some sleep now.

Thanks.