At the Moment

There is a sect of Buddhism that believes there is no past and no future, only now. I can't remember its name. That Eastern Philosophies class was a tough one and there were a lot of Buddhist sects to keep sorted out in my mind. So I made up jokes to help me remember them. The joke that went with this sect went like this:

Master to pupil: "Pupil, would you like to know the answer to life?"

Pupil to Master: "oh, yes, Master! I would! Please tell me!"

Master to pupil: "Too late!" 

I'm pretty sure nobody is falling out of their chairs, laughing, so I'll try another joke, this time about Zen Buddhism, a philosophy you may be more familiar with.

Question: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Answer: I ride into the temple backwards on an ox.

In case you didn't get it, Zen Buddhists meditate by thinking about unanswerable questions called Koans. One you've probably heard of is "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" 

I'm by far no expert in any form of eastern philosophy, much less Zen Buddhism, but my paraplegia and my life are, to me, koans. They are unanswerable no matter what question I ask myself about them. I am spectacturally bad at meditation, especially with my roommate on the other side of our dividing curtain, singing unintelligbly to herself, interspersed with conversations with someone no one but she can see. My brain is already like a 3-ring-circus. I don't need any help finding things to distract it with.

Is there a point to being disabled and bedbound? Who the hell knows? I sure don't. I have a lot of time to myself. That can be a plus OR a minus, depending on my mood. Sometimes I get so awfully tired of being alone. Usually when I'm bored. Other times, when I'm deep into something, I resent every intrusion. The lonely times far outweigh the busy times, though.

If I didn't believe there was something left for me to do here, or some life-lesson I need to learn, I'd go on to spirit and go Home again. But there's one big problem. I know those things exist. I just don't know what they are. Until they drift into my consciousness, I suppose I'll just carry on, moment by moment.

Dear spirit angels, help me see what is just beyond my sight. And some sleep tonight would be nice, too. Thank you.

Blessed be all my friends and family, especially those who help me for no other reason than the brightness of their souls. ❤