Homemade Cookie Love

I just ate two homemade oatmeal-raisin-chocolate chip cookies that my big sister mailed to me. I haven't let her know I got them yet. I should, but every time I think about them, I want to reach over and grab another one. I don't know if she reads my blog or not, but I'll thank her here, too. Thank you, Big Sis! The cookies are too yummy for words!

I saw my (mental health) therapist today. We had a serious session. All business. He asked me why I have to get angry to stand up for myself. I honestly don't know. He seems to think that when I do get angry, I always lash out and am not able to behave myself. At least, that's the impression I get of his opinion. When I told him I talked to the state ombudsman office, he started to give me instructions on how being pleasant will get me further than being unpleasant. I realize that getting angry and sticking up for myself are new to me, but I am capable of being nice even if I am angry. 

So he started saying, "When you get really angry, you..."

I cut him off and told him, "When I get REALLY angry, I get very quiet and use really big words." And this is true. Being overtly angry has never been something I've done much of. I've always been the type to put up with things, and put up with them, and... until I've had enough, then I exact some sort of revenge. I've been very passive-aggressive most of my life.

I started this early on. My mom told me a story that happened when I was only 2 years old. Seems my sister, who was 5 at the time, had been picking on me all day. Mom said I didn't complain or do anything about it; just took it. Then my sister got all her paper dolls out, sat on the floor and began to meticulously arrange them very neatly, while I sat on my haunches and watched. She finally got them just right. I immediately reached out with both hands and became Tornado Kay, sending paper doll paraphernalia flying in all directions. Then I jumped up and ran away. I'm sure I had just made myself very happy. Sis, of course, was outraged, but I received no punishment. My mother, who always kept a watchful eye on us, told my sister that she had deserved it.

But now i'm supposed to lose the "passive" part and tone down "aggressive" to just "assertive" and be pleasant about it. Being pleasant is easy. I was pleasant to the ombudsman rep at the state office, if somewhat firm about my complaints. My problem is that I can be so pleasant I can end up not sticking up for my best interests.

I don't know. It's a daunting prospect to change habits I've had for more than 6 decades. But it didn't take long, once I landed in a nursing home, to realize that it was up to me to advocate for myself. And that means I need to be assertive without having to get angry first. Geez, it's not easy being me.

All this wears me out. But I danced today. Just can't resist dancing to Istanbul (Constantiople) by They Might Be Giants. Boy, that was fun!

Dance, love, and laugh, my lovelies. Life is to be enjoyed. Don't let the dark clouds get you down, and other platitudes. You choose which ones are most appropriate for you. ;-)