Freefall

I saw my therapist today. We talked some politics until his phone rang and he had to take the call. After a brief conversation, he hung up and we started talking about painful things from my past. I keep telling myself it's good to get them out. We touched on my second husband, but there is an entire truckload of things regarding that decade in my life that my therapist and I need to dig through. I've blanked out most of it. Unfortunately, while I was blanking out the bad stuff, I was also blanking out the good stuff. I have no memory of my son learning to pull himself upright. I don't recall his first little drunken-sailor wobble steps. I try not to revive my memories from back then, though. I still have nightmares about it. I'll probably have one tonight.

To my astonishment, just after my therapist left, I started crying. It was like falling backwards off a steep cliff. I thought I was on firm footing, then suddenly my emotions were falling down and down and down.

So I fooled around on the internet to distract myself. That's something I am a qualified expert at doing. First, I went clothes shopping, pretending I could afford anything I wanted, really, anything at all. Then I watched some Hulu and Netflix. A wound care doctor came in and examined what I thought might be another abcess on my back. Good news. It's not. Then the Social Worker came to talk to me.

I had done some more research about the Dwayne Gwinn Foundation, which is associated with the Dana and Christopher Reeve Foundation. They're the people who might -- and this is a long shot -- build me a special wheelchair at no cost to me. I gave the info to the Social Worker and she said she'd call them to see how to get the ball rolling on that.

I also applied at the Dana and Christopher Reeve Foundation to see if I could get a mentor to help me cope with my paraplegia. I don't hold out much hope for that. This is, after all, Oklahoma and it is pretty much a wasteland for disability resources. The Foundation doesn't even have a branch here. But at least I'm trying.

Getting things done helped brighten up my mood, but I still feel like I'm trying to swim through a sea of mud.

Maybe a good night's sleep will help. Once again, spirit angels, please help me get a full night's sleep. Thank you.

I guess I can't expect every day to be all sunshine and wildflowers. Today may have been a drag, but there's always another chance. 

I can't think of anything else to say, except I love you. Thanks for sticking with me.