Blowing the Day

I have done nothing but waste time and eat cookies today. I distracted myself, mostly. I did talk to my son this morning. He is unhappy because people he loves are in pain. What could I tell him that would help? Basically, it all boiled down to "I love you and no matter how old you are, you'll always be my little boy who I'll love until the end of time." He can't fix his loved ones' problems and it's driving him crazy.

I know the feeling well. I'm pushing with all my might against that feeling of helplessness. I want to make everything OK for my children and I can't. I can't even make everything all right for myself, except internally, and I'm currently failing pretty miserably at that.

A long time ago I told my son that life never goes in a straight line. It's more like a lightning bolt, with ups and downs. I told him that the only thing you can ever be absolutely certain of in life is change. Another time, when he was even younger, I told him that the secret of life is enjoying where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing at any given moment. Not always easy to do, but it's possible, even under trying circumstances. Sometimes you just have to practise it extra hard.

I have wished that I could live in a home of my own, with a silly old cat and somone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right -- someone to watch my back. But circumstances are such that I can't have these things. I have to deal with my problems alone, with the exception of the hour my mental health therapist spends with me once a week. I have wonderful friends who cheer me on, and don't think I don't appreciate them. But, ultimately, making progress is up to me, even if I have to throw a snarling, growling fit to get attention. But I'd rather be more civilized about it. Turning into a beast is just too exhausting.

Tomorrow, Sunday, is usually the day I spend reading, studying, and learning about my spiritual self. I'm feeling down and frustrated right now, so I need extra-much to concentrate on those things at present. I know the answers to my problems and confusion lie within me. The more I struggle and rage, the further away from me they get. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a day of calm without too much interruption. 

It's kind of funny. I need to learn to be assertive without losing my temper first, while at the same time I'm seeking answers internally. Those don't seem to fit together. In fact, they seem, to me, to practically be the antithesis of each other. But I must find a way to make them compatible. I must --and will -- make progress in my physical life. And I must -- and will -- float spiritually toward how to expand my consciousness. It all takes time and effort to find the right paths. Maybe I'm making the spiritual side of my ventures harder on myself, but I sense that, unless I forge my own way, I will not be on the correct path. I need to find my own way. And in this quest I am so ignorant of what I'm doing I may as well be spiritually blind.

I've always enjoyed challenges during my life. Little did I know those challenges were only warming me up for the bigger challenges ahead. Hoo boy!

I wish you inner calm and the ability to find good in the bad. Love to you all.