Only the Lonely

When I was 5, we lived in such a tiny Texas town that there were no other kids my age to play with. I grew extremely comfortable with playing by myself. My sister played with me some, but she was the lofty age of 8 and I was too much of a baby to interest her.

My dad was a band teacher so, in the fall, the band members would pile into a school bus to perform at football games in surrounding tiny towns. All the high school girls thought I was just the cutest little thing so i was always sitting on one or other of their laps. Then, with tremendous school spirit they would yell cheers at the tops of their lungs. Right into my ears. It was incredibly uncomfortable for me and I hated it.

Also, both my parents were teachers, so every school day, they and my sister went to 

this magical place called "school." I wanted to go, too. For a 5 year old I mustered up quite a lot of envy and resentment. So I refused to talk. Oh, I'd talk to my immediate family members but no one else, including the sweet old couple who babysat me, never heard the sound of my voice. Also, I wouldn't let anyone except my immediate family touch me.

Around the age of 19 I got tired of being stand-offish so I made myself tolerate being hugged and kissed. I gritted my teeth a lot at first, but gradually I got to where I enjoyed it. By the time I had a child, I was very huggy and affectionate.

So I got to where I really enjoyed being around people and making new friends. I was still a little shy, but not afraid or angry any more.

Then, at the age of 61 I became a paraplegic and was hidden away in a nursing home where I spend a huge majority of my time alone. Sometimes I'm comfortable with it, but then the loneliness creeps in again. It's almost a physical pain. My stomach ties itself in knots and I can feel that my heart is full of desolate tears that I can't seem to release.

So this is my reality. It's come full circle. Sixty years ago I was alone most of the time. Now I'm back there. It's funny how life works, isn't it? It's almost as if this was planned in advance. Perhaps it was.

If I'm anything, I'm adaptable. I just have to work at it harder sometimes. This is one of those times.

Enjoy your moments of solitude, friends. They can be awfully beneficial for you. But it can develop into too much of a good thing, believe me. But if you can balance your life, I believe you will be all right.

Love you. Try to learn your life lessons without self-pity or despair. I've been there. Still am, most of the time. But when I achieve acceptance and gratitude for what I've learned, brief as those moments are, it's as if I get a glimpse of the other side of my life. It's wonderful. Again, this is something I must learn and practise. And I must do it without trying. Seems paradoxical, doesn't it. But it makes sense to me.

Light and love and laughter. May they grace your existence without end.