What's the Use?

It's hard to explain exactly what happened because I couldn't get a good explanation out of anyone. Seems I'm no longer considered a "skilled" patient by Medicare because they have a 100 day limit on that. But I didn't know that. I found out today. Then I found out that the nursing home had withdrawn their payment from my account yesterday. But I hadn't known that was going to happen, either. So I suddenly found that my account was more than $200 short. And no way to bring it up to a positive amount again. Without imposing horribly on someone else in order to make up the difference. I hate that, because I can't pay him back.

I know I seem strong, but that's an illusion. I'm really very fragile, emotionally. I've fought and struggled up every rung of progress I've made in the past few years. But now I feel as if I have slid down nearly every rung. Not quite to the bottom. Not quite. 

I feel like such an idiot, a parasite, a useless burdensome lump. That's because I am all of those things. There is no purpose to my life. That's a reality I try to ignore and go through the motions of trying to change, but it's there, a monolith of uselessness that is always there, stopping me dead whenever I think I'm making a little progress.

I can't wish this away. I can pretend that I'm learning things that are making me more spiritual, but when it comes down to it, I'm really just an insignificant worm grubbing in the dirt at the bottom of my hole where I always end up again. 

I'm awfully weary of this kind of (non)existence. Don't worry. Suicide is still off the table, but I can always hope that an anvil will fall on my head.

This is my most gloomy, least hopeful, most defeated entry in a good, long while. I loathe my life. It just gets worse, never better. Oh, yeah, it sometimes seems like things are getting better, but it's just a teasing joke, as I inevitably realize. And I apologize. You must be weary of reading about my never-ending struggles and defeats. So I'm going to stop for now. My blog must be dragging you down. I wonder at the wisdom of continuing.

I really do love you guys and wish you well. We all have our struggles, I know, and mine are no worse or more important than any of yours. Fare well, friends. You deserve only the best.

Lyra and me, the last time I saw her. She died two days later. Sweet angel.