Summoning Up My Feisty Soul

My blood sugar has been hovering from the 300s to the 600s since before last Christmas. Unfortunately, they've had no success at sending me to see an endocrinilogist so nobody really knows why my blood sugar is so high. The easiest reason to blame is what I eat. So every time I see a doctor or nurse, I am inevitably bombarded with accusations that I'm eating too many carbohydrates and sweets so I am to blame for this high blood sugar by making bad food choices. The fact is they don't know what I'm eating. I try to tell them but they don't believe me. They all but call me a liar. Meanwhile, I'm convinced that something is going wrong in my body. I'm not a doctor so I can only guess. Maybe my liver is creating too mant glucogens. Maybe my pancreas isn't producing insulin at all anymore. Maybe I've become more resistent to insulin. I'm just a layman living inside this body. Imagine what a doctor might discover that I don't have any knowledge about. The body is a complicated, intricate organism.

I'm pretty fed up at these accusations and dismissals of my opinions. In fact, I finally blew my top when tonight's nurse accused me of eating some bbq sauce on my sandwich because it is "so sugary." I had two tablespoons, which is one serving and contains 16 grams of sugar. A teaspoon of sugar is hardly going to shoot my blood sugar into the 400s. She also accused me of drinking regular Doctor Pepper and blamed that for my high blood sugar. Except that was diet Doctor Pepper. She didn't even bother to look. See why I'm frustrated and angry? I am being treated like a stupid, willful child and I am far from being that.

There's nothing I can do about this except see an endocrinologist and I'm going to have to raise hell to get them to make an appointment for me. They've been promising for months. So I guess I'll become a big pest about it.

I'm trying to think positive. I really am. But I feel like I'm in a fight without any weapons.  And I feel as if I'm being blamed, square-on, for my high blood sugar. I'm not stupid. I know what foods are healthy for me to eat. I have no way of procuring them, however. I suppose I'm just supposed to magically pull them out of thin air because this place certainly doesn't provide healthy food.

I'm planning to put all this aside as much as I can and concentrate on how it felt to run along the Gulf of Mexico and feel the sand and the waves squish between my toes and how, if I stood still and just let the shallow waves wash across my feet, how my feet would sink until they were covered by the wet sand. Since, as a child, I only lived 45 miles from the beach, there were many, many fun trips down there with family and friends.

I don't much like my life at the moment. I think I'll retreat to better days. That, and remembering playing barefoot in deep, green summer grass. I can almost smell it.

Angels, please help me find tranquility and help those around me take action to allow me to get well. Also, please surround me with love so I don't feel so alone. Thank you. Also, please give my love to my little spirit, Lyra, to let her know I love her just as much as when she shared this earth with us. Many thanks. ❤

I wish all of you love, comfort and tranquility. And fun -- lots of fun.