Running as Fast as I Can -- Not Very Fast at All

I can't outrun my troubles. They're part of me. But I'm struggling to make sense of all this. It feels like I've been abandoned in a totally foreign country with no way to leave, but where I don't know anybody and don't speak or understand the language. The authorities have taken control so I don't know where this is headed. 

But I refuse to give up on regaining some independence. I know things will never be the same as they used to be, but I will fight to get the ability to use a wheelchair that I can control, and to work as hard as I can in physical therapy, as soon as I qualify for it, to strengthen myself physically. So I will continue to push to get the orthopedic surgery which is necessary for these other things to happen. As long as there's a chance my life and independence can improve I will not give up. I can't. That streak of stubborness that runs through me won't allow me to.

I don't dwell on the things I've lost, except Lyra. Those other things were just stuff. I can barely remember what they were anymore. It's not the first time I've lost nearly everything I've owned. That time I came to the conclusion that I hadn't lost anything that I couldn't forget, do without, or replace. It was just a bunch of stuff, when all was said and done.

But the truth is, I very much dislike, even hate, my physical situation. I hope with all my heart that it can be improved upon. If it turns out that there's no hope of improvement, then I'll have to find some way of coping with that. I'm not there, yet, but have been deeply considering that possibility.

I don't have any answers at the moment because the questions have not truly announced themselves yet. They're just whispers on the wind.

I do have a good idea of what I need to do, spiritually. I'm exploring ways to get there. When something speaks to me, I explore that pathway. Sometimes it's extremely helpful. Sometimes I'm either not ready for it or it smacks of charlatism and I search out another path.

But I never, ever stand still -- only if I drift or plummet into deep depression and hopelessness. That stops me dead, so I do everything I'm able to avoid that, even if that takes closing myself in for awhile.

I'm feeling a little defensive. I am doing the best I can, climbing until my hands are bloody and fighting my own demons all the while. It's often slow going. I have to take this at my own pace. As long as I'm not going backwards, I'm happy about where I am at this moment. The darkness around me is gradually growing lighter. That lets me know I'm heading in the right direction.

Light be with you as you travel your own paths, my beautiful friends and family.  Much love.