There is That in Me..

I'll quote an excerpt from Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass:

"There is that in me.

I do not know what it is, but I know it is in me.

To it the Creation is the embrace of the friend who awakens me.

. . . . . . . . 

"It has no name

It is not in any dictionary, utterance, symbol.

Something it swings on more than the Earth I swing on...."

. . . . . . . . . . 

That's not the complete poem, but are the parts that speak most loudly to me.  I'm an emotional wreck and Walt Whitman's poetry soothes me while, at the same time, it makes me think deeply.

I've heard about being on an emotional roller coaster. Nothing quite so simple for me. It's more like being caught up in an emotional tornado. I have no idea where this will take me. I could shut my feelings down and hide back in The Land of Numbness, where I lived for a few years but I don't want to go back there, safe as I felt. I know I must have the courage to love people -- all people -- unconditionally. I say courage because it's impossible to love without making one's self vulnerable, especially in this world.

It's there inside me. All of it, joy and tolerance and love without conditions. I have seen and felt it in quick flashes and it's so beautiful! But I don't know how to reach it and hold onto it, short of giving up this earthly existence.

 Maybe I'm overthinking this. I'm never relaxed and I have an extremely busy and noisy brain, i don't know how to slow it down so I can concentrate on meditation. I feel meditating would be extremely helpful in my situation.

My mind is running in circles again. No need to bore anyone by going over the same things, time after time, so I'll stop now.

Peace and  the light of unconditional love to all of you.